It wasn’t until Natalie Shaw awoke on the kitchen floor, strangled to unconsciousness by her then-partner, that she realised she was a domestic abuse victim – and she needed to flee.
Natalie is the force’s strategic lead for Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG), and she is sharing her personal story for the first time with the public and her coworkers today.
Her goal? To demonstrate that anyone can become a victim of domestic abuse (DA), regardless of who they are or what they do, and to encourage anyone who is suffering to seek help immediately.
“I understand why people don’t want to report DA because it makes you look like a fool,” Natalie, a retired SYP Chief Superintendent, says.
“But I never met the man he became; it was only over the next two years that I discovered who he truly was.”
Natalie’s story starts in the early 1990s, with a charming man and a whirlwind romance.
Natalie, now 51, grew up in a family where her mother, Julia, had sadly suffered years of abuse at the hands of an ex-partner when Natalie was a toddler, so she knew what she didn’t want in her own life partner.
“As a young woman, I was adamant that I wasn’t going to have ‘that life’ or ‘that kind of relationship,” she recalls.
“The issue is that you are unaware that you are in a DA relationship. You don’t meet someone and immediately dislike them; it’s a drip, drip effect.”
Natalie’s abuser was a gentleman when she first met him. He lavished her with compliments and affection, and made grand gestures to make her feel special, such as a new car, an exotic vacation, and expensive jewellery.
After about a year, the first signs of DA appeared.
When I met him, I had my own house, which I sold and we bought a house together,” Natalie explains.
“I realised that all of my finances were tied up in paying bills, so I had no disposable income; if I needed money, I had to go to him.”
At the same time, Natalie’s abuser gradually cut off one-on-one contact with her colleagues, friends, and family.
Even her clothing was under her control.
Once upon a time, I wore a polo-neck jumper to work in the plain clothes department,” she recalls.
“I recall a huge argument erupting because I dared to go to work like that. I went to work in a men’s T-shirt because I didn’t want to get into an argument.”
Natalie’s independence was eroding, and her partner’s temper flared. In a fit of rage, he threw a dinner plate at the wall, and then he began deliberately destroying items of sentimental value.
Natalie, who had previously been a bold and bubbly character, was losing confidence and self-worth.
“Being a police officer and a victim of domestic abuse was so embarrassing that I couldn’t tell anyone at work. I had stated that I would not be ‘that’ person. I’m supposed to look out for people like me.” You begin to doubt yourself and believe you are acting irrationally; you feel completely trapped and terrified. The abuser gradually erodes your support network, and then the physical abuse begins.”
Everything changed less than three years into their relationship, after an argument about ironing.
“There had been previous pushing and shoving, but this time he hit me in the face, knocking my teeth out. He threw me to the ground and strangled me until I was unconscious “Natalie recalls.
“I awoke on the floor of the kitchen. I was afraid he was going to kill me. He had just arrived, crying. He claimed he did it because he adores me.”
Natalie realised she needed to flee at that point.
“It took being beaten and strangled for me to realise I needed to get out; I just didn’t know how.”
It took four long months to get everything in place because I was too embarrassed to report what was going on.
I needed to exercise when it wasn’t as dangerous for me. I literally left with nothing but the clothes on my back because my only goals were to get out alive and away from him forever.”
“I didn’t go to my best friend,” Natalie adds. I went to a good friend, but not to the one he expected me to go to. In case he came looking for me, I had to hide my car away from where I was staying. And he did – I’d return to the car to find flowers and love notes, or he’d show up outside work because he knew my shift patterns.
Fortunately, this story has a happy ending.
Natalie met Wayne, 59, soon after the abusive relationship ended, and he assisted her in regaining her confidence. They’ve been married for 21 years and have two children, Alex, 24, and Paige, 21.
“”I don’t want sympathy for myself right now, but I do feel sympathy for that young woman who couldn’t see a way out,” she says.
“I no longer recognise that person in myself.”
What would Natalie’s advice be to someone who is stuck in an abusive relationship?
“If I had talked to someone, they would have helped me get out and I wouldn’t have had to spend four months figuring it out on my own,” she says.
“If you don’t want it to be a police outcome, don’t make it one. The police are here to help you, and we will do everything we can to bring the perpetrator to justice. However, if you do not want to go to the police, there are other people who can assist you.” If my story gives anyone else the confidence to report to us or to tell someone to get the help they require, I’ll be grateful.”